Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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