4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
