i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
