he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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