im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
