I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
