im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize