I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
