I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
