Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
