Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
