Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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