Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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