turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize