and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
