The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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