3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
