Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
