conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
