Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
