Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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