i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
