i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
