This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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