were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
