Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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