I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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