so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Green mimosas i think yes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
