nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
