What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my being single is dangerous.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
