I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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