Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
