He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
