I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
