On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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