haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
