My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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