I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
