The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
