well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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