Ambien. No doubt about it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
