if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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