and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
