im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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