You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
