Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
