hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
