I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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