Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
