oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
