yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
