I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
