No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
