FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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