I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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