Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I skipped work to stalk him.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Acid is not a monday night drug
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
