My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
